Goals, dreams and Visions...

Wow what a busy time I've had lately...so much has happened and truthfully after what seems a lifetime of wondering, searching, dreaming and yes procrastinating and avoiding...my vision and goals have become crystal clear....

Mind you not as easily as it sounds, for I had to 'let go' and push aside the cobwebs of faded dreams and really go within to allow my true self  'a voice'....and then I needed to 'listen'...........

And after 'listening'...I needed to discover if my desire for this 'vision' was greater than my fear...

And not only was 'fear' an issue but the 'yammer yammer' of the critical parent within needed to be acknowledged and responded too.... (Have we not all experienced that critical parent within that favours the 'shoulds' and have to's...)...

And so begin the weeks, days and hours of 'feeling' if this Vision was truly mine....a little like putting on a brand new outfit and you're not sure if it's really you..!!....I needed to sit with it, walk with it, and see if the alignment was true and right for my authentic self....

Then there was the research to do, could it, would it... be feasible....and those baby steps were crucial...it's still early days...however just need to remind my self, ....baby steps!!

What a Week....

We know the saying about ...'the best laid plans'...well just as I was powering ahead with life and all of it's intricacies, feeling I was really moving forward, achieving some personal growth and actually on a 'high'...the happiest I'd been for ages...what happens....

Life happens....

And so I'm sucked down into that vortex of swirling emotions and past experiences, drowning in a sea of  pain and loathing.

It's all very well talking about logic and common sense, old patterns of response can  resurface without the slightest warning leaving you stuck in a place that is both a sanctuary and hell of one's own making.....

When you're in that place, sometimes you've got to just 'ride it through'....if you're fortunate enough you have or you find someone to help you come out on the other side.....at other times you just have to do it your self....

Always a little wiser, a little more indestructible and a whole lot more aware!!

Just realised....

I've been beating myself up this past week in particular for not achieving everything I wanted and needed to do...and cranky with myself if I've slept in past 7am ...however here it is 1.30am which is now Monday morning and as I reflect back on the past week or so I've realised instead of kicking my self I need to pat my self on the back..........

I have always been technologically disadvantaged....(in other words hopeless with anything technical!!)....computer 'jargon'  leaves me with a glazed look on my face .....( I even had to do a google search for what is copy and paste?)....have never had a blog before in my life....am sick as a dog with the flu....

And yet....


in this past week and a half...I've 'created' and customised not one but two blogs, taught myself how to save and download photos, joined 'Twitter' and tweeted and retweeted till I got the hang of it, maintained my facebook page, researched for hours and hours (often till 3 or 4am) every link, post, blog, forum, help page that I could, joined numerous sites/blogs etc. etc.....plus worked on a series of drawings that needed to be completed, plus searched and found frames for said drawings, looked after my grandaughter while her Mum was working, looked after my son's puppy while he was working AND got up most mornings at 5.30am to help him out (long story) by making his lunch for him to take too work.........

Have I left anything out??

Hot damn but I am good!!!

But gee I feel tired now.....

Maybe it's just me...

Well maybe it is, and yet.....
Absolutely crazy what I do to myself...
I put my self under so much pressure
must do this must do that
damn ridiculous
up all hours of the night searching, reading investigating, jumping from one link to another
it's like so much to learn and I become obsessed with that learning...it becomes like a drug...I can't read enough, quick enough...

no wonder I'm sending my self crazy!!!