The 'yammer, yammer' of the brain ~

I'm sitting here feeling absolutely exhausted in brain overload  ... yes again. The 'yammer yammer' stems from some long and solid days spent researching, learning and trying to problem solve!!

You know how it goes, questions and minute scraps of information race around the inside of your brain, creating the effect of non - stop internal dialogue!! Aargh!!

However what's worse, is the moment I quieten these, then songs from The phantom of the opera, start up !!
I put this DVD on whilst working away on the computer this past weekend, thinking a pleasant background noise. (I love the soundtrack, rich visual sets and costumes)

What a mistake!!!
Of course I was completely fascinated (again) with Gerard Butler playing the phantom and had to replay certain songs didn't I?  Big mistake.

Have you ever experienced that annoying habit when you can't get a song out of your head?
It's doing my head in I'm telling you!!

And so being a logical adult I know this shall pass, and of course then the mind can return to some silence when I attempt to quieten it!!

In the meantime, I'd better get my act together and start resolving or placing into context some of this current information 'overload'.

Far better to write it out than attempt to make sense of it inside my mind!!

Time flies...

  Ouch just realised how long it's been since I touched base here....

I know to be honest, that the more blogs I have read the more I've doubted my self and thought well; it's all been said before, it's all been done before, instead of me writing why don't I just continue reading all these wonderful and amazing articles and posts from others....

Then I realised that although I can totally resonate with what others are saying....and what I gain from them is immeasurable, it is still their journey and as the purpose of this blog and my other's is about my journey I thought well I need to do this...it's not just a want, it's a need.

As a visual person I am hopeless at 'working things' out in my head, I need the visual, to read and to write...I used to think that was a weakness, now I know many others are exactly the same....
(mind you I often envy those, like my son, who can mentally work everything out in their heads...grrr gritted teeth!!)

I love writing, I try to do it as I would speak, and that is how I gain clarity, understanding and often solutions; so yes my punctuation, grammar, and weird sense of humour will often not be 'quite right'...but you know what...that's me....

My life at this point is being re-assessed and re-defined constantly, no not middle age crisis....and yet; ... yes it is ...my physical and mental health have forced me to reconsider and so my life needs to change, I need to change and baby steps are two of the most wonderful words in the world I have decided!!!

Baby steps allow us to move out of our constraints and confined habitual patterns....they allow space to proceed with caution, without massive pressure.....well in theory they do...!!! My 'obsessions'....let me rephrase that....my 'passion'  (!!!).....for learning pushes me albeit with my permission, to do as much as I can in any 24 hour period!!

Around and around we go...

photo credit: Jenny Rollo

What a Week....

We know the saying about ...'the best laid plans'...well just as I was powering ahead with life and all of it's intricacies, feeling I was really moving forward, achieving some personal growth and actually on a 'high'...the happiest I'd been for ages...what happens....

Life happens....

And so I'm sucked down into that vortex of swirling emotions and past experiences, drowning in a sea of  pain and loathing.

It's all very well talking about logic and common sense, old patterns of response can  resurface without the slightest warning leaving you stuck in a place that is both a sanctuary and hell of one's own making.....

When you're in that place, sometimes you've got to just 'ride it through'....if you're fortunate enough you have or you find someone to help you come out on the other side.....at other times you just have to do it your self....

Always a little wiser, a little more indestructible and a whole lot more aware!!

Maybe it's just me...

Well maybe it is, and yet.....
Absolutely crazy what I do to myself...
I put my self under so much pressure
must do this must do that
damn ridiculous
up all hours of the night searching, reading investigating, jumping from one link to another
it's like so much to learn and I become obsessed with that learning...it becomes like a drug...I can't read enough, quick enough...

no wonder I'm sending my self crazy!!!