The week that was....

Okay well considering how far behind I feel at this point in the year; I am naturally just delighted that it is the last day in July.... aargh!!

However I'm not being negative, just realistic. Spurred on by this recent discovery ( !! ) that I am so far behind already this year; I've decided panic is not an option!!

I am so over beating myself up for not doing and being all that I had hoped and wanted.

So I'm making a 'new' resolution. And no, it's not about limiting my expectations of my self, but rather to acknowledge what I have achieved, to respect and honour not only myself, but the journey I am on. One baby step after another.

I am who I am, no more and no less.

This past week I have achieved the majority of tasks I set my self. Probably the biggest decision I made was to change internet/broadband plans from the 12GB to 50GB for the same price!!!  Now that was a fabulous achievement due to many, many hours spent researching and learning what questions to ask, what was available, etc. etc.

And I've got to tell you, the relief I felt when the decision was made (out of multiple choices) and acted on, was tangible. It felt like 30kgs was lifted off my shoulders immediately!

One more baby step, setting some personal boundaries which have required me to detach a little more emotionally from a particular situation around me. Pro-active yes, difficult to do .. yes, but necessary.

And so it is.

Frustrations...

Well that's how I feel...frustrated ...
. Frustrated at my self
. Frustrated with others
. Frustrated with my life...

Frustrated that no matter now 'hard or smart' I try and work; I still can't seem to  get my 'act together' and complete every task and job I've set my self...it's not like I haven't given myself plenty of time to complete them...I just seem to be driven in my search for knowledge.

I know that I'm trying to create a strong foundation upon which I can start to build and I feel I am moving forward...albeit with baby steps...in fact,  I know I am moving forward; just not at the pace I'd like ...

It's not easy when others say they can't 'physically' see any changes therefore they think there are no changes, no forward growth... so unless I provide 'proof' ... there is a lack of belief or support.... and that's hard and yes it hurts ....

However I also understand, and accept this..

It's just the way it is...

So why the profile image of stairs...

Throughout this blog there are actually a few images with stairs in them and so obviously stairs have a significance to me...the relevance is not so much esoteric, more a metaphor for the 'Journey' that I am on...

Steps...whether up or down are not stagnant as in stationary, they move one up or down and along....

My profile photo is an image I love, not only is the deep vibrant blue a healing colour, but the circular staircase is symbolic of my self...sometimes going nowhere just around and around, (that's my brain!!)...yet filled with the promise of going beyond...of some magical journey...yeah it represents me so well....

And besides the anonymity which gives me permission ....1/. not to embarrass family or my 'children', ....2/. the freedom to say it as it is rather than the polite 'shoulds' and finally.... 3/. You know what; ... 20 years ago I looked pretty good...nowadays....well let's just say politely I'm a work in progress!!!

Time flies...

  Ouch just realised how long it's been since I touched base here....

I know to be honest, that the more blogs I have read the more I've doubted my self and thought well; it's all been said before, it's all been done before, instead of me writing why don't I just continue reading all these wonderful and amazing articles and posts from others....

Then I realised that although I can totally resonate with what others are saying....and what I gain from them is immeasurable, it is still their journey and as the purpose of this blog and my other's is about my journey I thought well I need to do this...it's not just a want, it's a need.

As a visual person I am hopeless at 'working things' out in my head, I need the visual, to read and to write...I used to think that was a weakness, now I know many others are exactly the same....
(mind you I often envy those, like my son, who can mentally work everything out in their heads...grrr gritted teeth!!)

I love writing, I try to do it as I would speak, and that is how I gain clarity, understanding and often solutions; so yes my punctuation, grammar, and weird sense of humour will often not be 'quite right'...but you know what...that's me....

My life at this point is being re-assessed and re-defined constantly, no not middle age crisis....and yet; ... yes it is ...my physical and mental health have forced me to reconsider and so my life needs to change, I need to change and baby steps are two of the most wonderful words in the world I have decided!!!

Baby steps allow us to move out of our constraints and confined habitual patterns....they allow space to proceed with caution, without massive pressure.....well in theory they do...!!! My 'obsessions'....let me rephrase that....my 'passion'  (!!!).....for learning pushes me albeit with my permission, to do as much as I can in any 24 hour period!!

One step at a time....

Photo credit: Colin Broug

Goals, dreams and Visions...

Wow what a busy time I've had lately...so much has happened and truthfully after what seems a lifetime of wondering, searching, dreaming and yes procrastinating and avoiding...my vision and goals have become crystal clear....

Mind you not as easily as it sounds, for I had to 'let go' and push aside the cobwebs of faded dreams and really go within to allow my true self  'a voice'....and then I needed to 'listen'...........

And after 'listening'...I needed to discover if my desire for this 'vision' was greater than my fear...

And not only was 'fear' an issue but the 'yammer yammer' of the critical parent within needed to be acknowledged and responded too.... (Have we not all experienced that critical parent within that favours the 'shoulds' and have to's...)...

And so begin the weeks, days and hours of 'feeling' if this Vision was truly mine....a little like putting on a brand new outfit and you're not sure if it's really you..!!....I needed to sit with it, walk with it, and see if the alignment was true and right for my authentic self....

Then there was the research to do, could it, would it... be feasible....and those baby steps were crucial...it's still early days...however just need to remind my self, ....baby steps!!