The week that was....

Okay well considering how far behind I feel at this point in the year; I am naturally just delighted that it is the last day in July.... aargh!!

However I'm not being negative, just realistic. Spurred on by this recent discovery ( !! ) that I am so far behind already this year; I've decided panic is not an option!!

I am so over beating myself up for not doing and being all that I had hoped and wanted.

So I'm making a 'new' resolution. And no, it's not about limiting my expectations of my self, but rather to acknowledge what I have achieved, to respect and honour not only myself, but the journey I am on. One baby step after another.

I am who I am, no more and no less.

This past week I have achieved the majority of tasks I set my self. Probably the biggest decision I made was to change internet/broadband plans from the 12GB to 50GB for the same price!!!  Now that was a fabulous achievement due to many, many hours spent researching and learning what questions to ask, what was available, etc. etc.

And I've got to tell you, the relief I felt when the decision was made (out of multiple choices) and acted on, was tangible. It felt like 30kgs was lifted off my shoulders immediately!

One more baby step, setting some personal boundaries which have required me to detach a little more emotionally from a particular situation around me. Pro-active yes, difficult to do .. yes, but necessary.

And so it is.

You're kidding right?

July ... the seventh month of the year.
It sucks.
I mean if I had a choice it would be around March still.
Yeah I'd be happy with that.
There would still be that sense of plenty of time left in the year to do, to be, to achieve, to dream all that one could want.
Instead;
Any day now you know they are going to start reminding us how Christmas isn't far away and to start planning for it
Not happy!

Without a shadow of a doubt, as I get older, time definitely goes faster.
I'm telling you this is not my imagination, I now get up earlier in the mornings and stay up later at night than I ever did 20 years ago and I still can't seem to get everything done that I need or want too.
It sucks.

July, the seventh month in the year.

The mind maze...

Within the mind, within the emotions...thoughts and feelings intertwine, connecting and separating,
strangling and choking, soothing and caressing....

....all these paradoxes and yet the fragments form a whole...they represent self and the journey within.....

photo credit: andrewcs

What a Week....

We know the saying about ...'the best laid plans'...well just as I was powering ahead with life and all of it's intricacies, feeling I was really moving forward, achieving some personal growth and actually on a 'high'...the happiest I'd been for ages...what happens....

Life happens....

And so I'm sucked down into that vortex of swirling emotions and past experiences, drowning in a sea of  pain and loathing.

It's all very well talking about logic and common sense, old patterns of response can  resurface without the slightest warning leaving you stuck in a place that is both a sanctuary and hell of one's own making.....

When you're in that place, sometimes you've got to just 'ride it through'....if you're fortunate enough you have or you find someone to help you come out on the other side.....at other times you just have to do it your self....

Always a little wiser, a little more indestructible and a whole lot more aware!!

Maybe it's just me...

Well maybe it is, and yet.....
Absolutely crazy what I do to myself...
I put my self under so much pressure
must do this must do that
damn ridiculous
up all hours of the night searching, reading investigating, jumping from one link to another
it's like so much to learn and I become obsessed with that learning...it becomes like a drug...I can't read enough, quick enough...

no wonder I'm sending my self crazy!!!