Here we are again.....

What a week!

I'm just trying to pause and take a deep breath here ........

Well 'the big black beast' as i like to call her (that's No.1 sons tiny little (not!) 6 month old puppy) has been spayed (de-sexed!) and I've never known a dog to be so lovingly looked after and worried about as she has been! We expected her to be very sore and 'quiet' for at least a few days..... I hoped in vain as within 48 hours she was like: "Operation, what operation, who had a operation, not I".....

Of course apart from the fact that she is soooo large and still thinks of herself as a tiny puppy, (one swish of her tail and everything on my coffee table lands of the floor!!) and apart from the fact she eats anything she can get her paws on, wakes one up by landing with a thud on top of you and attempts to lick one to death ...well apart from all that, she is such a social friendly pup who just loves anyone and everyone, and the similarities in her playfulness and energy to my 3year old grand daughter is just astonishing!!! (and exhausting)

Note photo below was taken about 3 months ago on the first camping trip to the beach, now she's twice that size!!

This is 'the big black beast' at 3 months of age!!

Then there was the mad panic (not really just a lot of hours and energy!!) to tidy and clean up the house and garden during a short break in the cold, wet weather. (Not by choice, rather necessity) and currently looking after the 3 year old 3 days a week..... (did I mention I also look after the big black beast during the days?!!) ....just one word to say .... exhausting!!!

3 year old with 5 month ' big black beast'

Three year old grand daughter is at that whiny, whinging, stage. "But I need that ...insert x,y,z ...nanny", and if she doesn't get her own way there is either tears, tantrums or my personal favourite; 'the stare down competition' whereby she attempts to out stare me. (of course she doesn't win that as I've pointed out to her ...I'm 52, you're 3 yrs old .... I 've had more practise at this than you!!) 

And I find it scary that I'm learning to speak Spanish, not by choice, but due to 'Dora the Explorer'.......THE favourite of the little kids everywhere!

I love my family dearly, however I particularly love them when I can go out to my studio/room and shut the door for the night!!

My Daughter and Grand daughter

I've started the count down to the weekend... just two more days ...yay!!!

The big black beast...

Have I mentioned the 'big black beast' lately?
Once, only a few short months ago, there was a very cute and small puppy which No.1 son brought home.
And of course as we all know 'cute and small' tend to be just a tad playful (as the number of ripped, chewed shoes, glasses, skirts, plants etc. etc. can attest too) and then something happens.
One could say almost overnight, small becomes bigger and now I refer to her as the 'big black beast'.

No exaggeration needed when little miss 3yr old grand daughter can climb on and ride her like a pony, when the daily pick ups become like clearing a cow field, when the quantity of food consumed in a week is similar to that of an entire small nation.

No.1 son still thinks she is adorable and of course the black beast thinks and acts like she is still small, but as the one who looks after her during the days and weekends (when he's off playing), I know she may be adorable  and cute; but she's still the 'big black beast' !!!

And the wind she whispered so softly....

Sunday morning definitely was going to be a sleep in....until I got the 7am phone call that is....

Would  I like to go the beach....? ....   No.1 Son asked ...

Now waking up in the morning for me is normally a fairly traumatic experience......

I stumble about with only one eye open (the other one is still trying to stay asleep!) and I'm desperate to go to the 'Loo' and desperate to put the kettle/jug on!! ...Usually it's the dog's desperation to get out of the door that wins first....!

Half of me craves more sleep (all those late nights working are great at the time!...) and the other half admonishes me to get up and get into the days tasks.....

So here I am with the desperation level getting serious, still only one eye open and my son asks me a serious question...." Are you awake Mum ?..." he asks  ...well I could have said either "No I'm not "...(truthful answer) or  "Well I am now ..(another truthful answer)...instead I say .."Yes of course I am ..."  ..."Good," he says, "I'm still in bed so can you come in "

aargh!!!

So I stumble in ...and some time later with two coffees in hand I try to answer his question with another question to give me further 'think time'.....

Anyway so yes we are going to the beach 4WDriving....and then he talks about packing.....

Packing...
I think ....what's he talking about...
"Oh, didn't I mention it's camping overnight..." he says.....

Camping overnight...now hang on, much as I love camping ...the last time I camped was back in 1994/95...this is serious business....and I know my mouth is opening and closing like a gold fish...

I really, really need to finish my coffee to take this in......

Okay now I love freedom, I love being flexible, I love the sea and beach, I love camping and 4WDriving......BUT...I need to make a list, I'm starting to stress, I'm starting to feel like a chicken with it's head cut off.....

Then No.1 Son says, "By the way, we leave in an hour and Dad and (Step)-Mum are glad you are coming...."

What the...!!!!
Well thanks for mentioning that honey!!!

Just to add a little more stress to my already stressful life!!!

You Know what....
I had a fantastic time, with great company, wonderful weather and beach camping, and I can't wait to do it again......

However.........without consciously realising it,  I try to keep my self  'under control' for so much of the time that when it came to simply relaxing....it actually became physically and emotionally painful to 'just let go'........now that is scary!!

What else was 'scary' was trying to put up a tent for me with my Sons help... aargh!

Thank heavens the others had a 'porta potty'...now that was fantastic!!

And so was the ocean, the sea eagles, the tiny burrowing crabs, the smell of salt and ocean, the pounding of the waves, the camp fire, the stars and moon at night.....the food and Sons Puppy who was behaving brilliantly...my little home away from home...brilliant....

Note to Self however....remember to take a blanket next time, and two cushions from the couch fit together well on the couch, they drift apart when one attempts to sleep on them, and crawling in and out of a tent and trying to dress oneself whilst in a crouched position isn't so great!!!

Also note to self....... If one is used to staying up late, fresh air, swimming may all be good, but lying awake half the night because I went to bed too early isn't!!!

However the next day more than made up for that little 'hiccup' and I did not want to come home.....in fact I wish I was still there...but with a blanket/sleeping bag and a stool in the tent to sit on and oh...a mattress of some sort is now on the shopping list!!

and so.....the wind she whispered so softly on that dark yet starry night....

Being Nan...(and lets not forget first I was a Mum)

Being a grandmother is sooo much easier than being a parent except when you have to make sure you don't cross any unspoken, invisible, indefinable Lines!!!
and one has to remember what it was like to be a new mum when you thought everyone was judging or telling you what to do...(and that is easy to remember!!)

So yes it's easier but it's also harder if you're trying to watch your 'p's and q's' all the time ...so you don't end up stepping on toes...or those invisible fine lines!!
But yes
I love being 'nan'...
One has such a different relationship with a grandchild, it's amazing how much love you can feel for someone who's 'not yours'...
And yes
I love my children so much...that's not to say I always like them but as I don't always like my self I don't expect them to like me all the time either...
They're adults now...

You love them, teach them all you can, prepare them for life in all it's complexity as best you can...and then you let them go too live and build their own life...
But it's not as simple as checking off a list and saying...yep I'm done with that....love, caring, concern, ...it just intensifies and changes from one form to another (oops you fell over ..let mummy kiss it better...to...well honey I can only tell you so much about sex and relationships and yes I'm worried too, but you gotta put the work in yourself, I can't just kiss it all better now.........)

And worry
Does one ever stop worrying about your children and their happiness....well according to my Mum (who's nearly 80yrs)...the answer is NO!!
Oh God I'm getting greyer by the minute just thinking about it all!!

But you know what...
I have two wonderful, loving children and one of those is a wonderful Mummy to her daughter and the other is a wonderful 'daddy' to his puppy dog...

How cool is that!!