Joy oh Joy, another new month ~

Okay well joy oh joy a new month!
Normally I'd be ecstatic.
I like the start of a new month as it signifies new beginnings.

However I'd like it to be around July, I'd even settle for August.
And you know why?
October. 2010.
The year almost over as the shops start to fill with Christmas decorations and all associated paraphernalia.
I love Christmas, I truly do. But not just yet. I'm not ready for that yet.
Just a few more months rather than 2 would be great.

And that aint' gonna' happen is it?

I know, I'm getting really old when I start talking like that.

Anyways, this Blog is about 'Musings, Rants and Raves after all, so better to have a rant & rave here than out in the 'physical world of people'.
Letting it all hang out, that's what I'm doing.
It's not about being negative, I'm just a little feisty today.

And when one is feeling that way, it's amazing how bright, perky, & cheery people can just irritate you in a totally unreasonable manner!

So maybe I'll just go find a nice little nook and cranny to rejuvenate in for the time being before poking my head back out!! What a good idea

Credit Roger Kirby

And another month bites the dust ~

It's been a busy time of late, despite the fact that I've had bronchitis and the flu for most of September (actually it feels like forever!) I have still managed to learn a great deal, made a number of changes, worked on a number of projects and added another 182 websites/Blogs to my Google reader via RSS.

182? Such a precise figure? Okay so maybe a slight exaggeration!

The ups and downs in our Aussie weather has mimicked my mood changes as well so in one sense I'll be glad to see the end of this month.
Not that I long for hot weather mind you!
In fact whilst I love the water and swimming . . .
I loathe hot weather . . .with a passion. . .
loathe the heat and humidity
loathe the flies and mosquitos
loathe not being able to get cool
loathe the energy sapping lethargic tiredness
loathe the fact I can never peel away enough layers of clothing

Do you get the impression I don't like hot summers?

The big black beast . . .

How cute she is at 7 weeks old!!
Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth!

And at 7 months, whilst she is still 'cute' . . . now I call her 'The big black beast' . . . it wouldn't be so bad if she just chewed one pair of my shoes, but to chew one (and only one) of every pair of shoes is just a tad much!!

I think her middle name is 'Seek and Destroy' !!!

Push / pull 'syndrome' ~

Currently 'trying' not to go into overload with the massive amount of work I'm trying to get done at this time.
Like so many of us, there is the constant push/pull that goes on within us. Attempting to multi task whilst still maintaining a standard of quality in all that we do is never easy.

Unfortunately I have also been unwell for the past couple of weeks, unable to shake off a 'cold/ flu bug' and that hasn't made life easier!!

I have vowed to get on top of my emails and Google reader articles/posts over the next two days. I could have sworn I attended to them earlier this week . . . aargh!! The lists grows longer by the minute!!

Self discipline has never been my strongest asset, I always have the greatest  intentions, however trying to do all I think I can do, would require me to be extremely methodical, ambidextrous, and capable of going without sleep for 24/7.

Yeah well that aint' gonna' happen! So like everyone, I'm just going to do the best I can with the resources and tools I have!!!
(This doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated though !!)

And as it is currently after midnight here I will bid you all adieu !!

New Mantra ~

My new mantra:

The 'K.I.S.S' principle: Keep It Simple Stupid !

And: Keep it short and sweet!

Also: Work smarter not harder!

And so it is!

Hallelujah ...

Yay oh yay .... it's the weekend.

I know I sometimes feel guilty that I protect and guard my weekends like I do.
I fight with the internal dialogue of critical parent and petulant teenager who have opposing views on what, how and when I 'should' be living my life.

As I sit here gleefully almost rubbing my hands in delight at the thought of two whole days of rewarding my self ( for having survived another week!!)  giving self permission to do what I want or need to do is bliss, sheer bliss.

The guilt (thanks oh critical parent) comes from "Oh but that is selfish and you shouldn't admit to that" and of course on the opposite side (thanks oh petulant teenager) comes "So what, I want to do what I want to do"

Neither of course is going to get any more satisfaction from me by allowing them to drown out my 'Adult' self who simply states (I hope they are listening) I have worked my butt off all week, fulfilling every one else's needs or requirements, meeting my obligations diligently and without complaint.

So the fact that my reward is simply alone time and space is not selfish. Instead it is critically important to my well being, on and at every level.

The very fact that probably half my posts on this Blog are related to weekends and celebrating them is actually both a little scary and enlightening!!

Of course if No.1 Daughter calls and needs help ...I'm there without a shadow of a doubt. And I have been 'booked' to babysit No.1 Sons 'Big Black Beast' tonight whilst he's out and about gallivanting & celebrating his weekend. Okay so the housework also gets completed, hmmm what else ??

My point ?

Beginning to sound like I'm justifying self and that is not necessary, no I need not do it, so I will choose to say I am simply reminding my self  of the value I gain by giving my self permission to do something that is for me and me alone!

And that feels damn good thank you very much!!

The 'yammer, yammer' of the brain ~

I'm sitting here feeling absolutely exhausted in brain overload  ... yes again. The 'yammer yammer' stems from some long and solid days spent researching, learning and trying to problem solve!!

You know how it goes, questions and minute scraps of information race around the inside of your brain, creating the effect of non - stop internal dialogue!! Aargh!!

However what's worse, is the moment I quieten these, then songs from The phantom of the opera, start up !!
I put this DVD on whilst working away on the computer this past weekend, thinking a pleasant background noise. (I love the soundtrack, rich visual sets and costumes)

What a mistake!!!
Of course I was completely fascinated (again) with Gerard Butler playing the phantom and had to replay certain songs didn't I?  Big mistake.

Have you ever experienced that annoying habit when you can't get a song out of your head?
It's doing my head in I'm telling you!!

And so being a logical adult I know this shall pass, and of course then the mind can return to some silence when I attempt to quieten it!!

In the meantime, I'd better get my act together and start resolving or placing into context some of this current information 'overload'.

Far better to write it out than attempt to make sense of it inside my mind!!

Here we are again.....

What a week!

I'm just trying to pause and take a deep breath here ........

Well 'the big black beast' as i like to call her (that's No.1 sons tiny little (not!) 6 month old puppy) has been spayed (de-sexed!) and I've never known a dog to be so lovingly looked after and worried about as she has been! We expected her to be very sore and 'quiet' for at least a few days..... I hoped in vain as within 48 hours she was like: "Operation, what operation, who had a operation, not I".....

Of course apart from the fact that she is soooo large and still thinks of herself as a tiny puppy, (one swish of her tail and everything on my coffee table lands of the floor!!) and apart from the fact she eats anything she can get her paws on, wakes one up by landing with a thud on top of you and attempts to lick one to death ...well apart from all that, she is such a social friendly pup who just loves anyone and everyone, and the similarities in her playfulness and energy to my 3year old grand daughter is just astonishing!!! (and exhausting)

Note photo below was taken about 3 months ago on the first camping trip to the beach, now she's twice that size!!

This is 'the big black beast' at 3 months of age!!

Then there was the mad panic (not really just a lot of hours and energy!!) to tidy and clean up the house and garden during a short break in the cold, wet weather. (Not by choice, rather necessity) and currently looking after the 3 year old 3 days a week..... (did I mention I also look after the big black beast during the days?!!) ....just one word to say .... exhausting!!!

3 year old with 5 month ' big black beast'

Three year old grand daughter is at that whiny, whinging, stage. "But I need that ...insert x,y,z ...nanny", and if she doesn't get her own way there is either tears, tantrums or my personal favourite; 'the stare down competition' whereby she attempts to out stare me. (of course she doesn't win that as I've pointed out to her ...I'm 52, you're 3 yrs old .... I 've had more practise at this than you!!) 

And I find it scary that I'm learning to speak Spanish, not by choice, but due to 'Dora the Explorer'.......THE favourite of the little kids everywhere!

I love my family dearly, however I particularly love them when I can go out to my studio/room and shut the door for the night!!

My Daughter and Grand daughter

I've started the count down to the weekend... just two more days ...yay!!!

The week that was....

Okay well considering how far behind I feel at this point in the year; I am naturally just delighted that it is the last day in July.... aargh!!

However I'm not being negative, just realistic. Spurred on by this recent discovery ( !! ) that I am so far behind already this year; I've decided panic is not an option!!

I am so over beating myself up for not doing and being all that I had hoped and wanted.

So I'm making a 'new' resolution. And no, it's not about limiting my expectations of my self, but rather to acknowledge what I have achieved, to respect and honour not only myself, but the journey I am on. One baby step after another.

I am who I am, no more and no less.

This past week I have achieved the majority of tasks I set my self. Probably the biggest decision I made was to change internet/broadband plans from the 12GB to 50GB for the same price!!!  Now that was a fabulous achievement due to many, many hours spent researching and learning what questions to ask, what was available, etc. etc.

And I've got to tell you, the relief I felt when the decision was made (out of multiple choices) and acted on, was tangible. It felt like 30kgs was lifted off my shoulders immediately!

One more baby step, setting some personal boundaries which have required me to detach a little more emotionally from a particular situation around me. Pro-active yes, difficult to do .. yes, but necessary.

And so it is.

You're kidding right?

July ... the seventh month of the year.
It sucks.
I mean if I had a choice it would be around March still.
Yeah I'd be happy with that.
There would still be that sense of plenty of time left in the year to do, to be, to achieve, to dream all that one could want.
Instead;
Any day now you know they are going to start reminding us how Christmas isn't far away and to start planning for it
Not happy!

Without a shadow of a doubt, as I get older, time definitely goes faster.
I'm telling you this is not my imagination, I now get up earlier in the mornings and stay up later at night than I ever did 20 years ago and I still can't seem to get everything done that I need or want too.
It sucks.

July, the seventh month in the year.

The big black beast...

Have I mentioned the 'big black beast' lately?
Once, only a few short months ago, there was a very cute and small puppy which No.1 son brought home.
And of course as we all know 'cute and small' tend to be just a tad playful (as the number of ripped, chewed shoes, glasses, skirts, plants etc. etc. can attest too) and then something happens.
One could say almost overnight, small becomes bigger and now I refer to her as the 'big black beast'.

No exaggeration needed when little miss 3yr old grand daughter can climb on and ride her like a pony, when the daily pick ups become like clearing a cow field, when the quantity of food consumed in a week is similar to that of an entire small nation.

No.1 son still thinks she is adorable and of course the black beast thinks and acts like she is still small, but as the one who looks after her during the days and weekends (when he's off playing), I know she may be adorable  and cute; but she's still the 'big black beast' !!!

Ah the sweet joys of 'holidaying'...

One could almost say I've been on holidays.
Almost.
I've taken a leave of absence (don't you think that's a delightful way of putting it ??) from writing on my blogs
and attending to all the social media platforms.
Actually it 's been enforced really, not by choice actually.
Lets see.
There were the weeks I had the flu.
Then there was the 'little' situation regarding no internet because we'd used all our monthly allowance in less than three weeks.
And of course I got the blame for that !!
Oh and then there was the.... hmm do I start packing to find somewhere else to live or am I staying here tiny stressful dilemma...

Oh yes it's been a delightful time

Oh no....it's over

Okay ...it officially sucks...The Weekend is over...

...it went so quickly that I am still trying to magically hold onto to these last couple of hours before the new week starts, and I know I write a lot about weekends on here...

It's simply that (just as it is for most people) my 'normal' week seems so full attending to what has to be done, needs to be done, and others needs and wants ............that it's taken me over 30 plus years to say that the weekend (actually it's only the Saturday) .....is MINE....

Mine to do as I choose ...

Does that sound selfish ?
Ooh I hope so!!

Frustrations...

Well that's how I feel...frustrated ...
. Frustrated at my self
. Frustrated with others
. Frustrated with my life...

Frustrated that no matter now 'hard or smart' I try and work; I still can't seem to  get my 'act together' and complete every task and job I've set my self...it's not like I haven't given myself plenty of time to complete them...I just seem to be driven in my search for knowledge.

I know that I'm trying to create a strong foundation upon which I can start to build and I feel I am moving forward...albeit with baby steps...in fact,  I know I am moving forward; just not at the pace I'd like ...

It's not easy when others say they can't 'physically' see any changes therefore they think there are no changes, no forward growth... so unless I provide 'proof' ... there is a lack of belief or support.... and that's hard and yes it hurts ....

However I also understand, and accept this..

It's just the way it is...

Holidays and the flu.......

Well on one hand I've had a brilliant weekend.....No.1 son and his (huge, mammoth, large) 4 month old puppy (whom I 'babysit' 5-6 days a week)..have gone away 4WD & camping for the long weekend...and No.1 daughter and her family ( I babysit grand daughter 2-3 days a week) have also gone to do the same thing.....

You know what that meant....bliss...total and utter bliss...lock all the doors, close all the curtains, forget about doing any household jobs, cooking, mediating, negotiating, pacifying,....you name it....I am not home to the world!!

And it's been brilliant...I even chose to do basic household jobs, but because I was choosing to do them it felt good!!

I have been glued to the computer, tweaking and adjusting and reading and researching....oh I have had a wonderful time.....

Just like a teenager again, I've gone to bed when I wanted too, got up when I've chosen too, ................the only thing that has put a dampener on it....actually that's putting it mildly .....is I've actually been forced to take it easy because the day they left was the day I came down with the flu.....aarrgh!!!

No not just a cold..that would be too easy wouldn't it...

I had to come down with the whole kit and caboodle...well it feels like it anyway!!

And no one here to make me a hot drink, feed my old terrier dog, ......you know how it goes....

Boo hoo...who am I kidding...I must be delusional with fever to think I'd be looked after anyway by No.1 son....Ah well thank heavens for small mercies....I'm not looking after him !!

Satisfaction.....

I had a great day yesterday...not only did I have an 'epiphany' about why I was so obsessed with learning and researching but achieved a great deal in consolidating and stream lining all my communication resources and my social media programs....

Whew it was a major accomplishment!!!

Such a great feeling when you can see results.....

so instead of castigating my self  I am now congratulating my self!!

Do I or don't I.....

photo credit: the_franz

So why the profile image of stairs...

Throughout this blog there are actually a few images with stairs in them and so obviously stairs have a significance to me...the relevance is not so much esoteric, more a metaphor for the 'Journey' that I am on...

Steps...whether up or down are not stagnant as in stationary, they move one up or down and along....

My profile photo is an image I love, not only is the deep vibrant blue a healing colour, but the circular staircase is symbolic of my self...sometimes going nowhere just around and around, (that's my brain!!)...yet filled with the promise of going beyond...of some magical journey...yeah it represents me so well....

And besides the anonymity which gives me permission ....1/. not to embarrass family or my 'children', ....2/. the freedom to say it as it is rather than the polite 'shoulds' and finally.... 3/. You know what; ... 20 years ago I looked pretty good...nowadays....well let's just say politely I'm a work in progress!!!

Time flies...

  Ouch just realised how long it's been since I touched base here....

I know to be honest, that the more blogs I have read the more I've doubted my self and thought well; it's all been said before, it's all been done before, instead of me writing why don't I just continue reading all these wonderful and amazing articles and posts from others....

Then I realised that although I can totally resonate with what others are saying....and what I gain from them is immeasurable, it is still their journey and as the purpose of this blog and my other's is about my journey I thought well I need to do this...it's not just a want, it's a need.

As a visual person I am hopeless at 'working things' out in my head, I need the visual, to read and to write...I used to think that was a weakness, now I know many others are exactly the same....
(mind you I often envy those, like my son, who can mentally work everything out in their heads...grrr gritted teeth!!)

I love writing, I try to do it as I would speak, and that is how I gain clarity, understanding and often solutions; so yes my punctuation, grammar, and weird sense of humour will often not be 'quite right'...but you know what...that's me....

My life at this point is being re-assessed and re-defined constantly, no not middle age crisis....and yet; ... yes it is ...my physical and mental health have forced me to reconsider and so my life needs to change, I need to change and baby steps are two of the most wonderful words in the world I have decided!!!

Baby steps allow us to move out of our constraints and confined habitual patterns....they allow space to proceed with caution, without massive pressure.....well in theory they do...!!! My 'obsessions'....let me rephrase that....my 'passion'  (!!!).....for learning pushes me albeit with my permission, to do as much as I can in any 24 hour period!!

One step at a time....

Photo credit: Colin Broug

Goals, dreams and Visions...

Wow what a busy time I've had lately...so much has happened and truthfully after what seems a lifetime of wondering, searching, dreaming and yes procrastinating and avoiding...my vision and goals have become crystal clear....

Mind you not as easily as it sounds, for I had to 'let go' and push aside the cobwebs of faded dreams and really go within to allow my true self  'a voice'....and then I needed to 'listen'...........

And after 'listening'...I needed to discover if my desire for this 'vision' was greater than my fear...

And not only was 'fear' an issue but the 'yammer yammer' of the critical parent within needed to be acknowledged and responded too.... (Have we not all experienced that critical parent within that favours the 'shoulds' and have to's...)...

And so begin the weeks, days and hours of 'feeling' if this Vision was truly mine....a little like putting on a brand new outfit and you're not sure if it's really you..!!....I needed to sit with it, walk with it, and see if the alignment was true and right for my authentic self....

Then there was the research to do, could it, would it... be feasible....and those baby steps were crucial...it's still early days...however just need to remind my self, ....baby steps!!

The mind maze...

Within the mind, within the emotions...thoughts and feelings intertwine, connecting and separating,
strangling and choking, soothing and caressing....

....all these paradoxes and yet the fragments form a whole...they represent self and the journey within.....

photo credit: andrewcs

Nourish the spirit...

Thinking is easy. Acting is difficult and to put one's thoughts into action, the most difficult thing in the
world. - Goethe

Some people dream of great accomplishments, while others stay awake and do them. - Anonymous

The use of traveling is to regulate the imagination by reality, and, instead of thinking how things may be,
to see them as they are. - Samuel Johnson


I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. - Vincent Van Gogh -

Counting down....

I can't help it I'm getting excited....just one more day and then it's the start of the weekend and it's another long weekend....yay!!!

Checklist:

• A Sleep In
• Starting a new series of graphite drawings
• Reading favourite blogs and web sites
• Did I mention a sleep in?
• Gardening
• I hope it rains with thunder and lightening 
• Some Rest and Relaxation             
• Filing notes and research away
• And I want to stay in my pj's for 1/2 a day and pretend I'm not home!
• Oh and have a sleep in...with no puppies and 3year olds in my head!

And the wind she whispered so softly....

Sunday morning definitely was going to be a sleep in....until I got the 7am phone call that is....

Would  I like to go the beach....? ....   No.1 Son asked ...

Now waking up in the morning for me is normally a fairly traumatic experience......

I stumble about with only one eye open (the other one is still trying to stay asleep!) and I'm desperate to go to the 'Loo' and desperate to put the kettle/jug on!! ...Usually it's the dog's desperation to get out of the door that wins first....!

Half of me craves more sleep (all those late nights working are great at the time!...) and the other half admonishes me to get up and get into the days tasks.....

So here I am with the desperation level getting serious, still only one eye open and my son asks me a serious question...." Are you awake Mum ?..." he asks  ...well I could have said either "No I'm not "...(truthful answer) or  "Well I am now ..(another truthful answer)...instead I say .."Yes of course I am ..."  ..."Good," he says, "I'm still in bed so can you come in "

aargh!!!

So I stumble in ...and some time later with two coffees in hand I try to answer his question with another question to give me further 'think time'.....

Anyway so yes we are going to the beach 4WDriving....and then he talks about packing.....

Packing...
I think ....what's he talking about...
"Oh, didn't I mention it's camping overnight..." he says.....

Camping overnight...now hang on, much as I love camping ...the last time I camped was back in 1994/95...this is serious business....and I know my mouth is opening and closing like a gold fish...

I really, really need to finish my coffee to take this in......

Okay now I love freedom, I love being flexible, I love the sea and beach, I love camping and 4WDriving......BUT...I need to make a list, I'm starting to stress, I'm starting to feel like a chicken with it's head cut off.....

Then No.1 Son says, "By the way, we leave in an hour and Dad and (Step)-Mum are glad you are coming...."

What the...!!!!
Well thanks for mentioning that honey!!!

Just to add a little more stress to my already stressful life!!!

You Know what....
I had a fantastic time, with great company, wonderful weather and beach camping, and I can't wait to do it again......

However.........without consciously realising it,  I try to keep my self  'under control' for so much of the time that when it came to simply relaxing....it actually became physically and emotionally painful to 'just let go'........now that is scary!!

What else was 'scary' was trying to put up a tent for me with my Sons help... aargh!

Thank heavens the others had a 'porta potty'...now that was fantastic!!

And so was the ocean, the sea eagles, the tiny burrowing crabs, the smell of salt and ocean, the pounding of the waves, the camp fire, the stars and moon at night.....the food and Sons Puppy who was behaving brilliantly...my little home away from home...brilliant....

Note to Self however....remember to take a blanket next time, and two cushions from the couch fit together well on the couch, they drift apart when one attempts to sleep on them, and crawling in and out of a tent and trying to dress oneself whilst in a crouched position isn't so great!!!

Also note to self....... If one is used to staying up late, fresh air, swimming may all be good, but lying awake half the night because I went to bed too early isn't!!!

However the next day more than made up for that little 'hiccup' and I did not want to come home.....in fact I wish I was still there...but with a blanket/sleeping bag and a stool in the tent to sit on and oh...a mattress of some sort is now on the shopping list!!

and so.....the wind she whispered so softly on that dark yet starry night....

Around and around we go...

photo credit: Jenny Rollo

Time for a little humour!!

"Reality is the leading cause of stress to those who are in touch with it." ......

I just couldn't resist putting this quote in...it seriously appeals to my weird sense of humour!!!

I am sooo excited!!!

Well if you've read the previous posts you will know I have already been up for over 3 hours this morning and despite the fact I have only just realised it's actually quite chilly here (therefore change out of summer t-shirt), I am thrilled to announce it is raining!!! Yay!!

Why am I so pleased...because I really need to work on the garden, pruning, weeding etc ...a task I normally enjoy and use as a reward!!....however I really want to do some other things today (like catching up on blogs and information searches)...and the fact that it is raining means not only can I grab another cup of coffee and continue here at the computer, but I get to legitimately procrastinate ...........YAY!!

What a Week....

We know the saying about ...'the best laid plans'...well just as I was powering ahead with life and all of it's intricacies, feeling I was really moving forward, achieving some personal growth and actually on a 'high'...the happiest I'd been for ages...what happens....

Life happens....

And so I'm sucked down into that vortex of swirling emotions and past experiences, drowning in a sea of  pain and loathing.

It's all very well talking about logic and common sense, old patterns of response can  resurface without the slightest warning leaving you stuck in a place that is both a sanctuary and hell of one's own making.....

When you're in that place, sometimes you've got to just 'ride it through'....if you're fortunate enough you have or you find someone to help you come out on the other side.....at other times you just have to do it your self....

Always a little wiser, a little more indestructible and a whole lot more aware!!

Simple Pleasures!

Yay...it's the start of the weekend...and I was sooo looking forward to sleeping in.... and here it is 5am on a Saturday morning and I'm wide awake.....!!!
(this is so typical of the contrariness of my nature!!!)

After promising myself  that as a 'reward' for both surviving and working hard this past week I will give my self permission to sleep in (without feeling guilty!) this weekend.....and what happens...durrh!!!

During this past week I've forced my self to get up by 6am...and it's true I feel great that those first few hours of the day I am able to get sooo much done, however by the afternoon....all I crave is sleep....I get to the point where I'm nodding off whilst sitting upright!!!....and so I have a 'nana nap'....and even with that I'm still so tired by early evening that I think okay so go to sleep, relax and enjoy......

And then I 'wake up'...around 9pm...and go into work mode...and wow just like that it's suddenly 1 or 2 in the morning (or even later).....

No point in fighting it ....that's my pattern and has been for as long as I can remember...I'm both a morning and a late at night person....afternoons, well just forget it!!!

So here I am feeling wide awake and instead of feeling frustrated at not sleeping in I actually feel quite empowered with a delicious sense of freedom....!!

Just realised....

I've been beating myself up this past week in particular for not achieving everything I wanted and needed to do...and cranky with myself if I've slept in past 7am ...however here it is 1.30am which is now Monday morning and as I reflect back on the past week or so I've realised instead of kicking my self I need to pat my self on the back..........

I have always been technologically disadvantaged....(in other words hopeless with anything technical!!)....computer 'jargon'  leaves me with a glazed look on my face .....( I even had to do a google search for what is copy and paste?)....have never had a blog before in my life....am sick as a dog with the flu....

And yet....


in this past week and a half...I've 'created' and customised not one but two blogs, taught myself how to save and download photos, joined 'Twitter' and tweeted and retweeted till I got the hang of it, maintained my facebook page, researched for hours and hours (often till 3 or 4am) every link, post, blog, forum, help page that I could, joined numerous sites/blogs etc. etc.....plus worked on a series of drawings that needed to be completed, plus searched and found frames for said drawings, looked after my grandaughter while her Mum was working, looked after my son's puppy while he was working AND got up most mornings at 5.30am to help him out (long story) by making his lunch for him to take too work.........

Have I left anything out??

Hot damn but I am good!!!

But gee I feel tired now.....

Most Highly Recommended...

I really want to mention another blog which I think is fabulous...'Write Your Vision'...

Angela's blog is just amazing with such pertinent, relevant articles and questions for anyone who is interested in their personal growth and journey in life....
Easy to read...however most thought provoking...and to be honest I know I need to do some work on answering those questions that Angela asks...!

Please check this out so you too can...'write your vision!!
 (see recommended links on right hand side!)

You've got the Love...

I love that statement..You've got the love it's both ambiguous and clear at the same time!

I also love that there is still one more day of the weekend to go...I can say that because it's still Saturday, but once it gets to Sunday...oh no..all of a sudden the weekend seems gone and you know it'll be the start of a new week again...
I like 'hiding from the world' on the weekend, I try to pretend I have gone away on a secret retreat...of course that's a fantasy because there are still the day to day jobs to be done or caught up with etc etc. but I still like to pretend that I'm almost invisible from the world and hide away in my room as much as possible...(It's easier for me because I don't have a partner or little children anymore...)..yes, the dog looks at me strangely and my son just thinks I'm giving him space...(it's better to let him think that ...even though it's me wanting the space!!)

That's one of the joys of getting older...you can act a little bit strange and everyone just nods their head knowingly...

Being Nan...(and lets not forget first I was a Mum)

Being a grandmother is sooo much easier than being a parent except when you have to make sure you don't cross any unspoken, invisible, indefinable Lines!!!
and one has to remember what it was like to be a new mum when you thought everyone was judging or telling you what to do...(and that is easy to remember!!)

So yes it's easier but it's also harder if you're trying to watch your 'p's and q's' all the time ...so you don't end up stepping on toes...or those invisible fine lines!!
But yes
I love being 'nan'...
One has such a different relationship with a grandchild, it's amazing how much love you can feel for someone who's 'not yours'...
And yes
I love my children so much...that's not to say I always like them but as I don't always like my self I don't expect them to like me all the time either...
They're adults now...

You love them, teach them all you can, prepare them for life in all it's complexity as best you can...and then you let them go too live and build their own life...
But it's not as simple as checking off a list and saying...yep I'm done with that....love, caring, concern, ...it just intensifies and changes from one form to another (oops you fell over ..let mummy kiss it better...to...well honey I can only tell you so much about sex and relationships and yes I'm worried too, but you gotta put the work in yourself, I can't just kiss it all better now.........)

And worry
Does one ever stop worrying about your children and their happiness....well according to my Mum (who's nearly 80yrs)...the answer is NO!!
Oh God I'm getting greyer by the minute just thinking about it all!!

But you know what...
I have two wonderful, loving children and one of those is a wonderful Mummy to her daughter and the other is a wonderful 'daddy' to his puppy dog...

How cool is that!!

Maybe it's just me...

Well maybe it is, and yet.....
Absolutely crazy what I do to myself...
I put my self under so much pressure
must do this must do that
damn ridiculous
up all hours of the night searching, reading investigating, jumping from one link to another
it's like so much to learn and I become obsessed with that learning...it becomes like a drug...I can't read enough, quick enough...

no wonder I'm sending my self crazy!!!

the private ramblings of self...

I don't know seems a bit silly to have a blog that really is just an online diary so I can ramble and rant on...allow my fears and concerns to have their own voice....however I suppose we all need that space to do so...at least I do....