Hallelujah ...

Yay oh yay .... it's the weekend.

I know I sometimes feel guilty that I protect and guard my weekends like I do.
I fight with the internal dialogue of critical parent and petulant teenager who have opposing views on what, how and when I 'should' be living my life.

As I sit here gleefully almost rubbing my hands in delight at the thought of two whole days of rewarding my self ( for having survived another week!!)  giving self permission to do what I want or need to do is bliss, sheer bliss.

The guilt (thanks oh critical parent) comes from "Oh but that is selfish and you shouldn't admit to that" and of course on the opposite side (thanks oh petulant teenager) comes "So what, I want to do what I want to do"

Neither of course is going to get any more satisfaction from me by allowing them to drown out my 'Adult' self who simply states (I hope they are listening) I have worked my butt off all week, fulfilling every one else's needs or requirements, meeting my obligations diligently and without complaint.

So the fact that my reward is simply alone time and space is not selfish. Instead it is critically important to my well being, on and at every level.

The very fact that probably half my posts on this Blog are related to weekends and celebrating them is actually both a little scary and enlightening!!

Of course if No.1 Daughter calls and needs help ...I'm there without a shadow of a doubt. And I have been 'booked' to babysit No.1 Sons 'Big Black Beast' tonight whilst he's out and about gallivanting & celebrating his weekend. Okay so the housework also gets completed, hmmm what else ??

My point ?

Beginning to sound like I'm justifying self and that is not necessary, no I need not do it, so I will choose to say I am simply reminding my self  of the value I gain by giving my self permission to do something that is for me and me alone!

And that feels damn good thank you very much!!

The 'yammer, yammer' of the brain ~

I'm sitting here feeling absolutely exhausted in brain overload  ... yes again. The 'yammer yammer' stems from some long and solid days spent researching, learning and trying to problem solve!!

You know how it goes, questions and minute scraps of information race around the inside of your brain, creating the effect of non - stop internal dialogue!! Aargh!!

However what's worse, is the moment I quieten these, then songs from The phantom of the opera, start up !!
I put this DVD on whilst working away on the computer this past weekend, thinking a pleasant background noise. (I love the soundtrack, rich visual sets and costumes)

What a mistake!!!
Of course I was completely fascinated (again) with Gerard Butler playing the phantom and had to replay certain songs didn't I?  Big mistake.

Have you ever experienced that annoying habit when you can't get a song out of your head?
It's doing my head in I'm telling you!!

And so being a logical adult I know this shall pass, and of course then the mind can return to some silence when I attempt to quieten it!!

In the meantime, I'd better get my act together and start resolving or placing into context some of this current information 'overload'.

Far better to write it out than attempt to make sense of it inside my mind!!

Here we are again.....

What a week!

I'm just trying to pause and take a deep breath here ........

Well 'the big black beast' as i like to call her (that's No.1 sons tiny little (not!) 6 month old puppy) has been spayed (de-sexed!) and I've never known a dog to be so lovingly looked after and worried about as she has been! We expected her to be very sore and 'quiet' for at least a few days..... I hoped in vain as within 48 hours she was like: "Operation, what operation, who had a operation, not I".....

Of course apart from the fact that she is soooo large and still thinks of herself as a tiny puppy, (one swish of her tail and everything on my coffee table lands of the floor!!) and apart from the fact she eats anything she can get her paws on, wakes one up by landing with a thud on top of you and attempts to lick one to death ...well apart from all that, she is such a social friendly pup who just loves anyone and everyone, and the similarities in her playfulness and energy to my 3year old grand daughter is just astonishing!!! (and exhausting)

Note photo below was taken about 3 months ago on the first camping trip to the beach, now she's twice that size!!

This is 'the big black beast' at 3 months of age!!

Then there was the mad panic (not really just a lot of hours and energy!!) to tidy and clean up the house and garden during a short break in the cold, wet weather. (Not by choice, rather necessity) and currently looking after the 3 year old 3 days a week..... (did I mention I also look after the big black beast during the days?!!) ....just one word to say .... exhausting!!!

3 year old with 5 month ' big black beast'

Three year old grand daughter is at that whiny, whinging, stage. "But I need that ...insert x,y,z ...nanny", and if she doesn't get her own way there is either tears, tantrums or my personal favourite; 'the stare down competition' whereby she attempts to out stare me. (of course she doesn't win that as I've pointed out to her ...I'm 52, you're 3 yrs old .... I 've had more practise at this than you!!) 

And I find it scary that I'm learning to speak Spanish, not by choice, but due to 'Dora the Explorer'.......THE favourite of the little kids everywhere!

I love my family dearly, however I particularly love them when I can go out to my studio/room and shut the door for the night!!

My Daughter and Grand daughter

I've started the count down to the weekend... just two more days ...yay!!!