Counting down....

I can't help it I'm getting excited....just one more day and then it's the start of the weekend and it's another long weekend....yay!!!

Checklist:

• A Sleep In
• Starting a new series of graphite drawings
• Reading favourite blogs and web sites
• Did I mention a sleep in?
• Gardening
• I hope it rains with thunder and lightening 
• Some Rest and Relaxation             
• Filing notes and research away
• And I want to stay in my pj's for 1/2 a day and pretend I'm not home!
• Oh and have a sleep in...with no puppies and 3year olds in my head!

And the wind she whispered so softly....

Sunday morning definitely was going to be a sleep in....until I got the 7am phone call that is....

Would  I like to go the beach....? ....   No.1 Son asked ...

Now waking up in the morning for me is normally a fairly traumatic experience......

I stumble about with only one eye open (the other one is still trying to stay asleep!) and I'm desperate to go to the 'Loo' and desperate to put the kettle/jug on!! ...Usually it's the dog's desperation to get out of the door that wins first....!

Half of me craves more sleep (all those late nights working are great at the time!...) and the other half admonishes me to get up and get into the days tasks.....

So here I am with the desperation level getting serious, still only one eye open and my son asks me a serious question...." Are you awake Mum ?..." he asks  ...well I could have said either "No I'm not "...(truthful answer) or  "Well I am now ..(another truthful answer)...instead I say .."Yes of course I am ..."  ..."Good," he says, "I'm still in bed so can you come in "

aargh!!!

So I stumble in ...and some time later with two coffees in hand I try to answer his question with another question to give me further 'think time'.....

Anyway so yes we are going to the beach 4WDriving....and then he talks about packing.....

Packing...
I think ....what's he talking about...
"Oh, didn't I mention it's camping overnight..." he says.....

Camping overnight...now hang on, much as I love camping ...the last time I camped was back in 1994/95...this is serious business....and I know my mouth is opening and closing like a gold fish...

I really, really need to finish my coffee to take this in......

Okay now I love freedom, I love being flexible, I love the sea and beach, I love camping and 4WDriving......BUT...I need to make a list, I'm starting to stress, I'm starting to feel like a chicken with it's head cut off.....

Then No.1 Son says, "By the way, we leave in an hour and Dad and (Step)-Mum are glad you are coming...."

What the...!!!!
Well thanks for mentioning that honey!!!

Just to add a little more stress to my already stressful life!!!

You Know what....
I had a fantastic time, with great company, wonderful weather and beach camping, and I can't wait to do it again......

However.........without consciously realising it,  I try to keep my self  'under control' for so much of the time that when it came to simply relaxing....it actually became physically and emotionally painful to 'just let go'........now that is scary!!

What else was 'scary' was trying to put up a tent for me with my Sons help... aargh!

Thank heavens the others had a 'porta potty'...now that was fantastic!!

And so was the ocean, the sea eagles, the tiny burrowing crabs, the smell of salt and ocean, the pounding of the waves, the camp fire, the stars and moon at night.....the food and Sons Puppy who was behaving brilliantly...my little home away from home...brilliant....

Note to Self however....remember to take a blanket next time, and two cushions from the couch fit together well on the couch, they drift apart when one attempts to sleep on them, and crawling in and out of a tent and trying to dress oneself whilst in a crouched position isn't so great!!!

Also note to self....... If one is used to staying up late, fresh air, swimming may all be good, but lying awake half the night because I went to bed too early isn't!!!

However the next day more than made up for that little 'hiccup' and I did not want to come home.....in fact I wish I was still there...but with a blanket/sleeping bag and a stool in the tent to sit on and oh...a mattress of some sort is now on the shopping list!!

and so.....the wind she whispered so softly on that dark yet starry night....

Around and around we go...

photo credit: Jenny Rollo

Time for a little humour!!

"Reality is the leading cause of stress to those who are in touch with it." ......

I just couldn't resist putting this quote in...it seriously appeals to my weird sense of humour!!!

I am sooo excited!!!

Well if you've read the previous posts you will know I have already been up for over 3 hours this morning and despite the fact I have only just realised it's actually quite chilly here (therefore change out of summer t-shirt), I am thrilled to announce it is raining!!! Yay!!

Why am I so pleased...because I really need to work on the garden, pruning, weeding etc ...a task I normally enjoy and use as a reward!!....however I really want to do some other things today (like catching up on blogs and information searches)...and the fact that it is raining means not only can I grab another cup of coffee and continue here at the computer, but I get to legitimately procrastinate ...........YAY!!

What a Week....

We know the saying about ...'the best laid plans'...well just as I was powering ahead with life and all of it's intricacies, feeling I was really moving forward, achieving some personal growth and actually on a 'high'...the happiest I'd been for ages...what happens....

Life happens....

And so I'm sucked down into that vortex of swirling emotions and past experiences, drowning in a sea of  pain and loathing.

It's all very well talking about logic and common sense, old patterns of response can  resurface without the slightest warning leaving you stuck in a place that is both a sanctuary and hell of one's own making.....

When you're in that place, sometimes you've got to just 'ride it through'....if you're fortunate enough you have or you find someone to help you come out on the other side.....at other times you just have to do it your self....

Always a little wiser, a little more indestructible and a whole lot more aware!!

Simple Pleasures!

Yay...it's the start of the weekend...and I was sooo looking forward to sleeping in.... and here it is 5am on a Saturday morning and I'm wide awake.....!!!
(this is so typical of the contrariness of my nature!!!)

After promising myself  that as a 'reward' for both surviving and working hard this past week I will give my self permission to sleep in (without feeling guilty!) this weekend.....and what happens...durrh!!!

During this past week I've forced my self to get up by 6am...and it's true I feel great that those first few hours of the day I am able to get sooo much done, however by the afternoon....all I crave is sleep....I get to the point where I'm nodding off whilst sitting upright!!!....and so I have a 'nana nap'....and even with that I'm still so tired by early evening that I think okay so go to sleep, relax and enjoy......

And then I 'wake up'...around 9pm...and go into work mode...and wow just like that it's suddenly 1 or 2 in the morning (or even later).....

No point in fighting it ....that's my pattern and has been for as long as I can remember...I'm both a morning and a late at night person....afternoons, well just forget it!!!

So here I am feeling wide awake and instead of feeling frustrated at not sleeping in I actually feel quite empowered with a delicious sense of freedom....!!

Just realised....

I've been beating myself up this past week in particular for not achieving everything I wanted and needed to do...and cranky with myself if I've slept in past 7am ...however here it is 1.30am which is now Monday morning and as I reflect back on the past week or so I've realised instead of kicking my self I need to pat my self on the back..........

I have always been technologically disadvantaged....(in other words hopeless with anything technical!!)....computer 'jargon'  leaves me with a glazed look on my face .....( I even had to do a google search for what is copy and paste?)....have never had a blog before in my life....am sick as a dog with the flu....

And yet....


in this past week and a half...I've 'created' and customised not one but two blogs, taught myself how to save and download photos, joined 'Twitter' and tweeted and retweeted till I got the hang of it, maintained my facebook page, researched for hours and hours (often till 3 or 4am) every link, post, blog, forum, help page that I could, joined numerous sites/blogs etc. etc.....plus worked on a series of drawings that needed to be completed, plus searched and found frames for said drawings, looked after my grandaughter while her Mum was working, looked after my son's puppy while he was working AND got up most mornings at 5.30am to help him out (long story) by making his lunch for him to take too work.........

Have I left anything out??

Hot damn but I am good!!!

But gee I feel tired now.....

Most Highly Recommended...

I really want to mention another blog which I think is fabulous...'Write Your Vision'...

Angela's blog is just amazing with such pertinent, relevant articles and questions for anyone who is interested in their personal growth and journey in life....
Easy to read...however most thought provoking...and to be honest I know I need to do some work on answering those questions that Angela asks...!

Please check this out so you too can...'write your vision!!
 (see recommended links on right hand side!)

You've got the Love...

I love that statement..You've got the love it's both ambiguous and clear at the same time!

I also love that there is still one more day of the weekend to go...I can say that because it's still Saturday, but once it gets to Sunday...oh no..all of a sudden the weekend seems gone and you know it'll be the start of a new week again...
I like 'hiding from the world' on the weekend, I try to pretend I have gone away on a secret retreat...of course that's a fantasy because there are still the day to day jobs to be done or caught up with etc etc. but I still like to pretend that I'm almost invisible from the world and hide away in my room as much as possible...(It's easier for me because I don't have a partner or little children anymore...)..yes, the dog looks at me strangely and my son just thinks I'm giving him space...(it's better to let him think that ...even though it's me wanting the space!!)

That's one of the joys of getting older...you can act a little bit strange and everyone just nods their head knowingly...

Being Nan...(and lets not forget first I was a Mum)

Being a grandmother is sooo much easier than being a parent except when you have to make sure you don't cross any unspoken, invisible, indefinable Lines!!!
and one has to remember what it was like to be a new mum when you thought everyone was judging or telling you what to do...(and that is easy to remember!!)

So yes it's easier but it's also harder if you're trying to watch your 'p's and q's' all the time ...so you don't end up stepping on toes...or those invisible fine lines!!
But yes
I love being 'nan'...
One has such a different relationship with a grandchild, it's amazing how much love you can feel for someone who's 'not yours'...
And yes
I love my children so much...that's not to say I always like them but as I don't always like my self I don't expect them to like me all the time either...
They're adults now...

You love them, teach them all you can, prepare them for life in all it's complexity as best you can...and then you let them go too live and build their own life...
But it's not as simple as checking off a list and saying...yep I'm done with that....love, caring, concern, ...it just intensifies and changes from one form to another (oops you fell over ..let mummy kiss it better...to...well honey I can only tell you so much about sex and relationships and yes I'm worried too, but you gotta put the work in yourself, I can't just kiss it all better now.........)

And worry
Does one ever stop worrying about your children and their happiness....well according to my Mum (who's nearly 80yrs)...the answer is NO!!
Oh God I'm getting greyer by the minute just thinking about it all!!

But you know what...
I have two wonderful, loving children and one of those is a wonderful Mummy to her daughter and the other is a wonderful 'daddy' to his puppy dog...

How cool is that!!

Maybe it's just me...

Well maybe it is, and yet.....
Absolutely crazy what I do to myself...
I put my self under so much pressure
must do this must do that
damn ridiculous
up all hours of the night searching, reading investigating, jumping from one link to another
it's like so much to learn and I become obsessed with that learning...it becomes like a drug...I can't read enough, quick enough...

no wonder I'm sending my self crazy!!!

the private ramblings of self...

I don't know seems a bit silly to have a blog that really is just an online diary so I can ramble and rant on...allow my fears and concerns to have their own voice....however I suppose we all need that space to do so...at least I do....