Frustrations...

Well that's how I feel...frustrated ...
. Frustrated at my self
. Frustrated with others
. Frustrated with my life...

Frustrated that no matter now 'hard or smart' I try and work; I still can't seem to  get my 'act together' and complete every task and job I've set my self...it's not like I haven't given myself plenty of time to complete them...I just seem to be driven in my search for knowledge.

I know that I'm trying to create a strong foundation upon which I can start to build and I feel I am moving forward...albeit with baby steps...in fact,  I know I am moving forward; just not at the pace I'd like ...

It's not easy when others say they can't 'physically' see any changes therefore they think there are no changes, no forward growth... so unless I provide 'proof' ... there is a lack of belief or support.... and that's hard and yes it hurts ....

However I also understand, and accept this..

It's just the way it is...

Holidays and the flu.......

Well on one hand I've had a brilliant weekend.....No.1 son and his (huge, mammoth, large) 4 month old puppy (whom I 'babysit' 5-6 days a week)..have gone away 4WD & camping for the long weekend...and No.1 daughter and her family ( I babysit grand daughter 2-3 days a week) have also gone to do the same thing.....

You know what that meant....bliss...total and utter bliss...lock all the doors, close all the curtains, forget about doing any household jobs, cooking, mediating, negotiating, pacifying,....you name it....I am not home to the world!!

And it's been brilliant...I even chose to do basic household jobs, but because I was choosing to do them it felt good!!

I have been glued to the computer, tweaking and adjusting and reading and researching....oh I have had a wonderful time.....

Just like a teenager again, I've gone to bed when I wanted too, got up when I've chosen too, ................the only thing that has put a dampener on it....actually that's putting it mildly .....is I've actually been forced to take it easy because the day they left was the day I came down with the flu.....aarrgh!!!

No not just a cold..that would be too easy wouldn't it...

I had to come down with the whole kit and caboodle...well it feels like it anyway!!

And no one here to make me a hot drink, feed my old terrier dog, ......you know how it goes....

Boo hoo...who am I kidding...I must be delusional with fever to think I'd be looked after anyway by No.1 son....Ah well thank heavens for small mercies....I'm not looking after him !!

Satisfaction.....

I had a great day yesterday...not only did I have an 'epiphany' about why I was so obsessed with learning and researching but achieved a great deal in consolidating and stream lining all my communication resources and my social media programs....

Whew it was a major accomplishment!!!

Such a great feeling when you can see results.....

so instead of castigating my self  I am now congratulating my self!!

Do I or don't I.....

photo credit: the_franz

So why the profile image of stairs...

Throughout this blog there are actually a few images with stairs in them and so obviously stairs have a significance to me...the relevance is not so much esoteric, more a metaphor for the 'Journey' that I am on...

Steps...whether up or down are not stagnant as in stationary, they move one up or down and along....

My profile photo is an image I love, not only is the deep vibrant blue a healing colour, but the circular staircase is symbolic of my self...sometimes going nowhere just around and around, (that's my brain!!)...yet filled with the promise of going beyond...of some magical journey...yeah it represents me so well....

And besides the anonymity which gives me permission ....1/. not to embarrass family or my 'children', ....2/. the freedom to say it as it is rather than the polite 'shoulds' and finally.... 3/. You know what; ... 20 years ago I looked pretty good...nowadays....well let's just say politely I'm a work in progress!!!

Time flies...

  Ouch just realised how long it's been since I touched base here....

I know to be honest, that the more blogs I have read the more I've doubted my self and thought well; it's all been said before, it's all been done before, instead of me writing why don't I just continue reading all these wonderful and amazing articles and posts from others....

Then I realised that although I can totally resonate with what others are saying....and what I gain from them is immeasurable, it is still their journey and as the purpose of this blog and my other's is about my journey I thought well I need to do this...it's not just a want, it's a need.

As a visual person I am hopeless at 'working things' out in my head, I need the visual, to read and to write...I used to think that was a weakness, now I know many others are exactly the same....
(mind you I often envy those, like my son, who can mentally work everything out in their heads...grrr gritted teeth!!)

I love writing, I try to do it as I would speak, and that is how I gain clarity, understanding and often solutions; so yes my punctuation, grammar, and weird sense of humour will often not be 'quite right'...but you know what...that's me....

My life at this point is being re-assessed and re-defined constantly, no not middle age crisis....and yet; ... yes it is ...my physical and mental health have forced me to reconsider and so my life needs to change, I need to change and baby steps are two of the most wonderful words in the world I have decided!!!

Baby steps allow us to move out of our constraints and confined habitual patterns....they allow space to proceed with caution, without massive pressure.....well in theory they do...!!! My 'obsessions'....let me rephrase that....my 'passion'  (!!!).....for learning pushes me albeit with my permission, to do as much as I can in any 24 hour period!!